In the Proverbs, God is pouring out His fatherly wisdom for us on so many of the most important aspects of our lives. God is sitting us down on the couch like a loving father and having a really important conversation with us. He is acting as a loving Father to teach us how to survive and thrive in this fallen and broken world. He is showing us the pathway toward true, lasting happiness and joy—not just in heaven one day when we die, but here in this life, in this world.
And for the next TWO weeks, we’re going to talk about one of the most important and one of the most challenging steps along that pathway to genuine freedom and flourishing.
We’re going to talk about anger.
We need to talk about managing our anger.
Controlling our anger.
Dealing with our anger in a way that honors the Lord AND protects us from sabotaging our own lives.
Know what I’m talking about?
This is one of the issues that Proverbs talks more about than almost anything else—and for good reason: If we don’t get this, we risk losing everything that matters to us. Don’t we?
And so this is gonna be a two-parter, because there is just so much ground to cover, and I’m trying not to preach hour-long sermons anymore.
And so let’s dive right in and talk about what God’s word has to say about anger.
Anger Is Not the Problem
Now, before we talk about anything else together, we need to be extremely clear about what the problem IS—and what the problem ISN’T.
Because the first thing you will notice if you go home and google “What does the Bible say about anger?” is that the problem ISN’T anger.
This might shock you, or this might be obvious to you.
But anger is not a sin.
There is not a single passage in God’s Word that says that anger is inherently a bad thing.
God’s Word says that GOD is angry at human sin and rebellion—that is a righteous anger.
In the same way, when Jesus saw the Pharisees and the Sadducees exploiting the poor and the widows, the lost and the hurting and the struggling, He responded with righteous anger.
And in the same way, WE can experience righteous anger too. Ephesians 4 says that you can:
“Be angry, and don’t sin.”
—Ephesians 4:26, WEB
What does that mean?
It means that anger is not something you should feel guilty for.
Feeling angry doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
No. Anger is a normal, healthy response to the brokenness of the world.
Know what I’m talking about?
Anger is a normal, reasonable response to the ways that our world has been distorted by the Fall, to the ways that our world does not work the way God created it to be.
When you see some terrible injustice, anger is exactly the right response.
When somebody hurts your child on purpose, anger is normal.
When someone betrays you, anger is healthy.
Righteous anger is a reflection of God’s righteous response to sin and the forces of darkness.
Uncontrollable Anger Will Take Over Our Lives
But here’s the thing.
Not all anger is created equal, is it?
Because righteous anger is good, normal, and healthy—but we are not naturally inclined toward righteous anger.
Are we?
If you’re honest with yourself, 99% of your anger is NOT righteous anger.
It’s something you could call “irrational anger.”
99% of the time, our anger is not careful, controlled, and wise.
It’s formless and void, spilling out over the edges of our emotional bucket like acid and burning anyone and everyone within shouting distance.
And the Proverbs warn us in really vivid and kind of horrifying language that this uncontrollable anger will take over our lives if we let it.
THIS is where the actual problem lies.
And I know all of this from experience, because ANGER is one of the places where I struggle more than almost anywhere else.
Now, those of you who know me well know that about 9 months ago, I started as a patient in anger management counseling.
Because I was tired of being angry literally all the time.
Know what I’m talking about?
I’ve spent the majority of my life a slave to my anger.
I have an unbelievably difficult time not getting swept away by my anger.
I am NOT someone who is out there screaming at everyone all the time, or getting violent with people, or anything like that—but don’t let the fact that I don’t express it like an over-the-top TV character fool you: My norm is that I am angry pretty much every moment of pretty much every day.
I cannot remember the last time I wasn’t at least a little bit pissed off.
Maybe I was four or something like that.
When I was a little kid, I was constantly angry at school and acting out.
I was constantly angry at my parents.
I was constantly angry at my friends.
I was always angry at my teachers.
When I got older, I was angry at God.
When I got into the workforce, I was angry at my coworkers.
And I was angry at my bosses.
When I got into relationships, I was angry with the people I was seeing.
As the pastor of a church, I’m constantly angry at something.
Constantly kind of dangling over the edge.
It takes so little for me to fly into a rage, and that has put a strain on almost every part of my life, almost every relationship in my life.
That has driven me to shut down when I should be opening up.
It’s driven me to keep a distance from people because I’m afraid they’ll see that angry side of me and be scared or disgusted.
It’s caused me not to maintain a lot of friendships.
Because it’s just so much work.
There’s so much exhaustion.
There’s so much cognitive dissonance.
It feels like I’m being pulled in every different direction all at once.
That is my baseline, day in and day out. I’m an incredibly angry person. The joke I always make is that I have two modes: Pissed off, and asleep.
And what that means is that these next two sermons are hard for me.
Because I have lived so many of the warnings to God lays down for us in His fatherly advice here in the Proverbs. Listen really carefully to what He says here.
Proverbs 29:11 says:
“A fool vents all of his anger,
but a wise man brings himself under control.”—Proverbs 29:11, WEB
Proverbs 12:16 says:
“A fool shows his annoyance the same day,
but one who overlooks an insult is prudent.”—Proverbs 12:16, WEB
Proverbs 14:17 says:
“He who is quick to become angry will commit folly,
and a crafty man is hated.”—Proverbs 14:17, WEB
Proverbs 25:28 says:
“Like a city that is broken down and without walls
is a man whose spirit is without restraint.”—Proverbs 25:28, WEB
Proverbs 29:22 says:
“An angry man stirs up strife,
and a wrathful man abounds in sin.”—Proverbs 29:22, WEB
Proverbs 22:24–25 says:
“Don’t befriend a hot-tempered man,
and don’t associate with one who harbors anger,
lest you learn his ways
and ensnare your soul.”—Proverbs 22:24–25, WEB
God’s word says that my uncontrollable anger is rooted in foolishness.
That my uncontrollable anger will drive me to do destructive and self-sabotaging things.
That my uncontrollable anger will destroy my life from the inside—like a city with no defenses.
That my uncontrollable anger will create a toxic environment in my family, in my church, in my friend group—and in my own head—if I let it.
It actually goes as far as to say that it would be wise for ME to stay away from other people LIKE ME, so that THEIR uncontrollable anger won’t hook me and make me miserable the way that THEY’RE miserable.
I read these things, and they’re painful.
But they’re not wrong.
And I know that because I’ve experienced every single one of these things firsthand.
And over the next two weeks, we’re gonna talk about where this life-stealing, soul-crushing, radically destructive addiction to rage and anger that has taken so many of us captive comes from—and how to take back control.
This morning, were gonna talk in depth about the PROBLEM.
Next week, we’re gonna dive deep into the SOLUTION.
Why Do We Do This?
SO: Let’s talk about the problem.
The question that we want to ask together this morning is: “Why do we do this?”
How did we get here?
What is it that makes us decide—one day after another, one week after another, one year after another—to give the keys to our lives over to the anger beast to wreak havoc on everything we care about?
And when we do that, God’s word answers that question in three ways.
1. We Are Driven to Uncontrollable Anger by Idolatry
Listen to James 4:1.
He says:
“Where do wars and fightings among you come from? Don’t they come from your pleasures that war in your members?”
—James 4:1, WEB
What is an idol?
An idol is anything you give your ultimate allegiance to.
If you come to want something more than anything else—even more than God Himself—that’s an idol.
If you come to want something so much that you are willing to disobey the Lord or rebel against His will to get it, that is an idol.
So how does that relate to anger?
It’s really simple.
We are overcome by irrational anger every time our idols are threatened.
Case-in-point: Some of us have an idol that is comfort.
We worship comfort.
And if you worship comfort, you will fly into a rage every time you are seriously, honestly inconvenienced.
Know what I’m talking about?
Some of us worship control.
And if you worship control, you will lash out every time you feel out of control.
Every time you feel uncertain.
Every time it feels like things have gotten away from you.
Some of us worship approval.
And if you worship approval or acceptance, you will go ballistic every time you get criticized.
Every time someone disapproves of something that you’re doing.
If you worship safety, you’ll fly off the handle every time you feel unsafe.
If you worship attention, you’ll go nuts every time you feel ignored.
If you worship autonomy or freedom, you’ll go ballistic every time you feel like people are trying to control you or tell you what to do.
That’s number one.
2. We Are Driven to Uncontrollable Anger by Irrational Beliefs
Romans 12:2 says:
“Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
—Romans 12:2, WEB
2 Corinthians 10:5 says:
“Bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”
—2 Corinthians 10:5, WEB
It says our problem is that our mindset is distorted.
So much of the battle against sin or rebellion or self-destructiveness that we’ve been trying to fight is a battle for our mind.
It’s a battle for how we see ourselves.
Almost every single day of my life, I find myself getting swept up into a real rage over some small thing.
And pretty much every single time, when I have the presence of mind to stop and start investigating where my rage came from, I find exactly the same thing.
It comes from some flat-out false or irrational or unbiblical belief.
They call these “cognitive distortions.”
Ever heard that term?
Here’s a couple of examples.
“People Must Respect Me”
Number one: we think, “People must respect me, and if they don’t respect me, they deserve whatever happens to them.”
Know what I’m talking about?
So when somebody disrespects you, you fly off the handle.
You start yelling at them.
Hold on.
Who said they have to respect you?
It’d be better if they respected you.
You’d prefer that.
It’d be nice.
God wants them to respect you.
But who said they have to?
Who said you can’t be happy unless they respect you?
Who said their lack of respect has to ruin your life?
Nobody said that—except you.
You decided that their disrespect was a threat to you.
Take a step back and ask yourself, “Who cares if they respect me?”
If they stop respecting you, does the sun fall out of the sky?
Does your heart stop?
No.
Their disrespect has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
“If This Doesn’t Go My Way, It’s Over”
Here’s another one.
We say, “If this thing doesn’t go my way, it’s over.”
“If this thing doesn’t go the way I want it to, I’m gonna be miserable.”
“If this thing doesn’t go the way I want it to, I won’t be able to stand it.”
They call that “low frustration tolerance.”
But hold on a second.
Are any of those things actually true?
If you don’t get that job, will it actually ruin your life?
99% of the time, the answer is no.
If that person doesn’t love you back, it’s unfortunate.
It sucks.
It really does.
But does it actually mean that you will never be fulfilled?
No.
We keep driving ourselves into a rage by lying to ourselves.
We convince ourselves that we can’t be happy unless everything goes the way we want it to.
That we can’t be content unless everyone treats us the way we want them to.
That we can’t be satisfied unless we are loved and respected and treated well and cared for by all the people that we want.
But the truth is, we can be happy even if none of those things go our way.
We can be happy with the Lord and no one else.
That sounds like a cliché, but it is literally true.
I don’t even have like a cool example that I can give you to prove it.
It is just literally true.
Some of the happiest people on planet Earth are like Benedictine monks, who have met eleven people in their entire lives and never go outside and spend sixteen hours a day praying and eating gruel.
That’s number two.
3. We Are Driven to Uncontrollable Anger by Wounds We Didn’t Even Realize We Had
Psalm 147:3 says:
“He heals the broken in heart,
and binds up their wounds.”—Psalm 147:3, WEB
What happens to us a lot of times is that we hold on to our wounds rather than offering them to the Lord.
Know what I’m talking about?
We do the opposite of nurse our wounds.
We keep sticking our fingers into our own wounds.
I do this almost every day of my life without realizing it.
We allow our old wounds to turn every new situation into a battleground.
The Wound of Abuse
Case in point: so many of us experienced some form of abuse as a kid.
I was unbelievably fortunate.
I did not.
But it’s unbelievably common.
What happened is that as a kid, we were abused in some way, and no one protected us.
And we’ve got this wound that no one protected us.
And as a result, every time we feel like we’re under threat once again, that wound starts bleeding again.
No one is going to protect us, so we have to protect ourselves.
And the way that we protect ourselves is by becoming so big and so scary that everybody backs off and gets away from us.
It’s probably not happening consciously.
But underneath the surface, it’s like a guard dog grew out of your old wound.
And that guard dog was meant to protect you.
But it’s not protecting you anymore.
Now it’s imprisoning you.
Because you can’t get past the guard dog to go connect with anyone—not really.
The Wound of Neglect
Some of us were neglected as children.
We thought, nobody sees me.
Nobody cares about me.
Nobody’s there for me.
And now, every time we feel like people are ignoring us, every time we feel like people are neglecting us—if we have to be the first person to text multiple times in a row—we say, they don’t want me, I’m moving on to somebody else.
That wound starts bleeding again.
It becomes a guard dog all over again.
The Wound of Betrayal and Abandonment
Some of us were betrayed or abandoned when we were kids.
I remember when I was growing up, I felt like nearly every friend that I made eventually turned on me.
Started making fun of me.
Started bullying me.
Threw me under the bus so they could get in with a more popular crowd.
They were happy to be friends with me when I was the only option that they had.
And then, once something better came along, I became a stepping stone that they would step on to get in with a new group.
And the message that I took from that was that everybody is eventually going to leave.
Everyone is eventually going to get tired of me.
Everybody is eventually going to have enough of Ryan Ellington and move on to something better.
And seriously, that still gets triggered every once in a while.
I stop hearing from a friend for a long time, and I wonder, like, okay, well, you know, maybe that’s about it, right?
I project it onto Elise sometimes when we’re having a problem or a fight or something.
I start to worry that after enough conflicts, after enough issues, she’s just eventually going to get tired of being married to me and move along.
And every time she says, that’s never going to happen, consciously I think, okay, cool.
And unconsciously, the guard dog says, she’s lying.
Because everybody’s lying.
Because everybody leaves.
Know what I’m talking about?
Those wounds are lying to us.
Those kids who abandoned you have nothing to do with the people that you know today.
Those people who abused you have nothing to do with the people in your life today.
Those people who neglected you have nothing to do with the people in your life today.
That anger that was birthed to try to help you and protect you is now holding you captive.
That’s number three.
When Anger Hijacks Your Life
And the result of all these things is that for so many of us, our lives up to this point have been absolutely hijacked by an almost uncontrollable anger.
And that uncontrollable anger has caused us to build up walls between ourselves and other people.
That causes us to cast really harsh judgment on other people.
That causes us to become extremely bitter toward other people.
Extremely unforgiving.
Even vengeful.
That’s forced us into this kind of constant survival mode where we are constantly in fight or flight.
And we almost always choose fight.
It causes us to treat almost every interaction like a battle.
Like a zero-sum game.
To see almost everyone as a threat.
To be afraid of almost everyone and everything.
A kind of anger that makes it really hard to be genuinely open with anybody.
Genuinely intimate with anybody.
And as a result, for a lot of us, this irrational anger has driven us to live in a way that has caused people to avoid us.
Nobody trusts us.
We’ve blown up at them too many times.
We’ve pushed them too far too often.
And the end result is that nobody is in your corner anymore.
And you’ve burned every bridge.
And you are alone.
Your Anger Does Not Have to Define You
But here’s the gloriously good news: It does not have to be that way anymore.
We’re gonna spend next week diving DEEP into the pathway God’s word has given us to take our lives back from the destructive power of our irrational anger—but for this morning, we want to start in the simplest place imaginable.
We want to start with the fact that there is HOPE.
God’s Word tells us is that our anger doesn’t have to define us.
And our anger doesn’t have to destroy us.
And our anger doesn’t have to hijack our lives.
Instead, what Proverbs tells us is that we can take back the reins.
We can take back control of our lives if we’re willing.
We can take back control of our anger.
We can rule over our anger, rather than being ruled by it.
Listen, this is not Ryan Ellington talking.
This is the Word of God talking.
You can be free from the chains of your rage.
You can be the master, not the slave.
You can be the driver, not that person tied up in the back in the trunk.
God’s word says that you can learn to control your anger, and your anger can serve you rather than enslaving you.
But here’s the thing: It doesn’t come from some kind of quippy self-help method that you see on TikTok.
It doesn’t come from just white-knuckling your way through the waves of anger when they splash against you.
You’ve been trying that for years, and it’s never actually worked, has it?
It doesn’t come from just snapping out of it after hearing one sermon.
I hate to break it to you.
You are not going to go home today and just suddenly be cured of your uncontrollable anger.
It’s not going to happen.
That’s superstition, not Christianity.
No. God’s word tells us that gaining mastery over your anger STARTS not with “ten steps to improve your emotional well being,” but with surrendering your anger to the Spirit.
Now, next week, we’re gonna TALK about some concrete STEPS you can take. We’re gonna get to that.
And those steps absolutely matter.
But the place to START is not with STEPS. It’s with SURRENDER.
Mount Zion Baptist Church - Louisburg, NC 
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