When Should I Cut Someone Out Of My Life?: Proverbs

We are continuing on in our series through the book of Proverbs, mining God’s wisdom for everyday life here in the book of Proverbs.

We are searching the Scriptures for God’s practical wisdom, His fatherly wisdom, his wise advice for every single aspect of our lives here in this fallen and broken world as His children.

Because God wants us not only to survive, but also to thrive. He wants us to flourish. He wants us to have victory and joy in every aspect of our lives, even those profoundly difficult aspects.

And we’re going to talk about one of those profoundly difficult aspects of life here in this fallen and broken world this morning.

Specifically, we’re going to talk about how to deal with toxic relationships.

How to deal with relationships that are radically unhealthy and are radically unholy in a way that is actively harming us and actively dragging us down and actively ruining our lives, to the point that we have to put an end to those relationships entirely.

You know what I’m talking about?

Ever had a relationship like that?

Maybe it was a romantic relationship that you had to end because of the way the other person treated you or because of the way that they negatively influenced you.

Maybe it was a friendship that you had to put an end to because they were constantly causing you to doubt your worth. They were constantly making you feel like an object, like you were nothing, like you were less than.

Maybe it’s a family relationship. Maybe you had to cut ties with a member of your family, or maybe you had to cut ties with your entire family. Maybe your family of origin was so wildly dysfunctional that you literally couldn’t be around them anymore. Maybe you got married and realized you couldn’t subject your spouse to the things that they put you through growing up, maybe you had kids and you realized you didn’t want your kids to be around the things that they forced you to endure growing up.

I had the opposite experience. I got married, and we started talking about have kids, and I was like, “Man, I really wish my parents were here. I would love for them to be in our lives and our children’s lives more.”

But maybe you had the opposite experience.

But whatever it is, there is a good chance that every single one of us in this room has had to go through the profoundly ugly experience of having to cut someone out of our lives.

And because this is such a profoundly difficult and gut wrenching and nauseating and even traumatizing experience to have to go through, our Father in Heaven wants to go through it with us.

He wants to walk with us as we endure it. He wants to take us by the hand and guide us as we experience it.

And because that is true, he has filled his word with wise, loving, Fatherly counsel on how to deal with toxic people, and when to cut people out of your life.

When to walk away from relationships.

When to sever ties with that friend that you know is a drain on your life instead of a blessing.

With that partner that you know is dangerous for you instead of a help meet for you.

With those family members who are a curse upon you instead of a support system for you.

There Are People You Should Not Allow in Your Life

For some of us in this room this morning, this is going to blow your mind, but: God’s word tells us as bluntly and as blisteringly and as painstakingly as possible that there are people you should not allow in your life.

Know what I’m talking about?

There are people you should not allow in your life.

Proverbs 25:19:

“Confidence in someone unfaithful in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a lame foot.”

—Proverbs 25:19, WEB

It says there are people you should not allow into your life because they cannot be trusted.

Proverbs 22:24–25:

“Don’t befriend a hot-tempered man, and don’t associate with one who harbors anger, lest you learn his ways and ensnare your soul.”

—Proverbs 22:24–25, WEB

It says there are people you should not allow into your life because they have a pattern of unrepentant abusiveness.

Proverbs 20:19:

“He who goes about as a tale-bearer reveals secrets; therefore don’t keep company with him who opens wide his lips.”

—Proverbs 20:19, WEB

There are people you should not allow into your life because they only want to stir up drama and slander and gossip.

Proverbs 19:4–6:

“Wealth adds many friends, but the poor is separated from his friend. Many will entreat the favor of a ruler, and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts.”

—Proverbs 19:4, 6, WEB

It says there are people you should not allow into your life because they only want to use you.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, but the common denominator in all of this is that you should not spend the best of yourself on toxic people.

Know what I’m talking about?

You should not spend the best of yourself on toxic people.

Let me explain that for a second: As God’s people we are called not to be half-hearted in our relationships.

We are called not to be strained and distant in our relationships. We are called not to hold people at arm’s length. We are called to be wholehearted.

We are called to pour ourselves into each other and pour ourselves out for each other.

We are called to be like brothers and sisters. We are called to be closer than family, we are called to be each other’s support system, to be each other’s help in times of need. To be each other’s confidants. We are called to give people the best of ourselves.

That’s what kind of friend we’re called to be, that is what kind of partner we are called to be, that’s what kind of parent we are called to be—and so on and so forth.

But because that is true, it is unbelievably important that we give ourselves to the right people, not the wrong people. There is absolutely no good that can come from spending the best of yourself on toxic people.

What Is a Toxic Person?

And so the obvious question that we need to ask right now is, what is a toxic person?

Right?

What does it mean to be a toxic person?

We need to talk about two things here.

First, we’re going to talk about what a toxic person is not.

Then we’re going to talk about what a toxic person is.

Because it’s really important that we clear away a handful of myths. We need to course correct a couple of things that our culture has kind of gone off the rails on.

Know what I’m talking about?

Because our culture has made the word toxic practically meaningless, right?

We overuse the word toxic—to the point that throughout this sermon up to this point, you might have been just kind of cringing at how many times I’ve used that word.

So we need to define what toxic is and what toxic isn’t.

Because a toxic person is not just someone who is difficult. A lot of people are difficult. That does not mean they’re toxic.

A toxic person is not just someone who is frustrating. All of us have a sinful nature, right? All of us have flaws, all of us make mistakes. All of us have unhealthy patterns, unhealthy habits, unhealthy attitudes, so many of us live unhealthy lifestyles. We all have things that can make us challenging or hard to love. But that does not make us toxic.

Our culture has started calling everything we don’t like toxic, but that’s just not true.

A person who disagrees with you is not toxic. A person you don’t get along with is not toxic. A person you find annoying is not toxic, a person who challenges you sometimes is not toxic, a person who holds you accountable for your actions is not toxic.

But as we push deeper into God’s word, what it does is it describes a very specific and very unique category of person who goes beyond all of these things.

God’s word describes a very unique category of person where it’s not enough to say that they’re imperfect, and it’s not enough to say that they’re sinful just like you, just like me. It’s not enough to say they have flaws like everybody else.

No. There’s a category of person that God’s word defines as being flat out malevolent, flat out cancerous, flat out malignant to the point that the only thing that you can wisely and responsibly do in response to them is avoid them.

There are some people that you just need to stay away from.

I love the way Proverbs four puts it. It says:

“Don’t enter into the path of the wicked. Don’t walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, and don’t pass by it. Turn from it, and pass on. For they don’t sleep unless they do evil. Their sleep is taken away, unless they make someone fall. For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.”

—Proverbs 4:14–17, WEB

It says this is a person you cannot help, a person you cannot redeem, a person you cannot reconcile with, a person you cannot set aside your differences and accept for who they are.

This is a person you have no choice but to avoid.

This is someone who is truly and genuinely toxic.

Eight Characteristics of Toxic People

The renowned Marriage and Family Therapist Gary Thomas identifies eight characteristics that toxic people tend to share.

We’re going to run through them at a dead sprint together real quick.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

1. Toxic People Are Ruled by Selfishness and Spite

They don’t care what you need. They don’t care what’s good for you. They don’t care about how their actions affect you. All they care about is getting what they want, and they will use you as a tool or a prop or an object to gratify themselves, even if it harms you.

2. Toxic People Drain Others Instead of Encouraging Others

An encourager wants to build other people up, but a toxic person wants to tear other people down. They’ve always got a criticism and it’s never constructive. They poke holes in everything you do. They pick at your flaws at every single turn. They actively drain you of your confidence.

3. Toxic People Use People Rather Than Loving Them

They manipulate you. They’ll use you to get what they want. This is another overused term, but they might gaslight you. They’ll flat out make you doubt your own sanity just to get what they want out of you.

4. Toxic People Are Self-Righteous and Prone to Rash Judgment

They may always have a criticism for you, but they’ll never accept any criticism of themselves. They’ll never consider the possibility that maybe they’ve done something wrong, that maybe they’ve made a mistake. They’re always the judge, never the defendant. They see everyone else as the villain who needs to apologize to them. They have an overactive gag reflex toward others, but an under-active conscience towards themselves.

5. A Toxic Person Frequently Stirs Up Conflicts

Toxic people are always picking fights, always sowing the seeds of discord. You have to tiptoe around them. You have to watch what you say, because if you say one wrong thing, they’re going to turn it into a knock down drag out fight, and they’re not going to quit until they’ve pummeled you into the ground. They won’t just agree to disagree. They won’t just give it a rest. They won’t accept anything less than total victory. Your relationship becomes a battleground, and they’re always waging total war.

6. Toxic People Are Jealous of Other People’s Peace or Other People’s Relationships

A real friend wants good things for others, right? They celebrate your victories. Their spirit is lifted when good things come your way.

But for a toxic person, every one of your victories is one of their losses. Your good fortune is their bad fortune. Because they don’t want to flourish alongside you, they want to flourish instead of you. They want to be over you. Above you.

7. Toxic People Attempt to Bring Others Down to Their Level of Misery

They can’t stand to see other people happier than them. They can’t stand to see other people doing better than them. They want everyone to be just as miserable as they are—so they do what they can to sabotage your life and sabotage your peace. They try to drag you down to their level.

8. Toxic People Try to Control Others

They try to control your choices. They try to control your life. They try to find ways to manipulate you into living their way or fitting into their plans. They try to keep you under their thumb, under their control at all times.

That’s a toxic person.

Recognizing Toxicity

And there’s a good chance that every single one of us in this room has been under the thumb of a toxic person at some point in our lives.

Someone who used us instead of loved us, someone who bullied us instead of helping us, someone who manipulated us, who tried to control us, who drained us instead of encouraging us, who tried to sabotage our lives or isolate us.

The list goes on and on and on.

And some of you in this room are living under the thumb of a toxic person right now.

Some of you recognized a parent in what I just said.

Some of you recognized a romantic partner in everything I just said.

Some of you recognized a so-called friend in what I just said.

Some of you recognized a boss that you maybe need to get away from.

Some of you recognized one of your adult children who’s been mistreating you for years in the things that I just said.

And some of you, by the grace of God, just recognized yourself.

Some of you listened to what God’s Word says about toxic people and realized that you are the toxic person in your relationships.

And if that is you, I genuinely believe that the Lord brought you here this morning to bring you to repentance—to walk away from your life of being a toxic person so that you can learn to be a godly and Christ-like and safe person for other people to be in relationships with.

If that’s you, come talk to me.

I’m not gonna embarrass you, and I’m not gonna yell at you, but I will help you begin the process of shaking off those toxic attributes and learning the fruit of the Spirit instead.

And for the rest of you, I believe that God has brought you here so that you can learn how to take your life back from the toxic people who have taken it over.

Specifically, I believe that God has brought you here so that you can think through whether or not it’s time to cut some of those people out of your life completely.

How to Decide Whether to Walk Away

And so we need to take just a little bit and talk about how to decide whether to walk away.

How to decide whether to remove someone from your life.

I think there’s really four steps involved in figuring out whether to keep someone in your life or cut someone out of your life.

We’re going to talk about those now.

Sound good?

Here we go.

1. Consider the Effect They Are Having on Your Life

Before anything else, step one is to consider the effect that they’re having on your life.

Now, there’s two different sides to number one.

And we’re gonna talk about both.

Are They Corrupting Your Character?

One type of toxic person is a person who corrupts your character, a person who is actively a malignant influence on you, a person who is actively trying to drag you down and lead you away from everything that is good and wise and holy.

Proverbs 13:20:

“One who walks with wise men grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.”

—Proverbs 13:20, WEB

The reality is the people we surround ourselves with influence us whether we realize it or not.

And so there are people who build up our character, and there are people who corrupt our character.

Proverbs 14:7:

“Stay away from a foolish man, for you won’t find knowledge on his lips.”

—Proverbs 14:7, WEB

Proverbs 16:29:

“A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good.”

—Proverbs 16:29, WEB

Proverbs 28:7:

“Whoever keeps the law is a wise son, but he who is a companion of gluttons shames his father.”

—Proverbs 28:7, WEB

The first question we need to ask ourselves is, are they corrupting my character?

Are they trying to draw me into foolishness? Are they trying to draw me into violence? Are they trying to draw me into greed or gluttony or dishonesty? Are they trying to entice me into living in a way that dishonors the Lord and is not good or right or loving towards my neighbors.

That’s number one.

Are They Actively Harming You?

Number two is, are they actively harming you?

Is this person actively harming me day in and day out?

Is he constantly inflicting his selfishness on me?

Is he constantly tearing me down?

Constantly draining me?

Constantly picking at my flaws?

Constantly poking holes in everything I say and do?

Constantly breaking down my confidence?

Constantly treating me like I’m less than?

Is she constantly using me?

Is she constantly manipulating me?

Is she constantly treating me like a puppet?

Is she constantly pushing me and bullying me?

Is he constantly casting harsh judgment on me?

Is she constantly stirring up conflicts?

Constantly starting fights?

Constantly pushing me around?

Refusing to let anything go?

Holding everything over me?

Is he constantly trying to isolate me from other people, other friends, from my family?

Is he constantly trying to break up my friendships and turn people against me?

Is she constantly trying to sabotage the things going on in my life so that all I have is her?

Is he constantly trying to drag me down and make me miserable with him?

Is she constantly trying to control me and telling me where I can go and who I can talk to and what I can do?

Ask yourself, is this person actively harming me?

That’s number one: You have to consider the effect that they’re having on your life.

2. Call Them to Repentance

And if you find that this person in your life is either actively harming you or actively corrupting you, then number two:

You need to call them to repentance.

I am gonna say that again:

You need to call the toxic person in your life to repentance.

You need to demand your dignity. You need to demand to be treated like a person instead of an object. You need to demand that they treat you like a child of God who has value and worth and dignity, and refuse to accept anything less.

This is a cliche, but it is absolutely true: You teach people how to treat you. You are instructing people on how to treat you based on what you tolerate, based on what you allow.

When you allow people to treat you badly, you are teaching them that it’s okay to treat you badly.

Stop teaching people that it’s okay to treat you badly.

Start demanding your dignity. Start demanding your honor.

Are you tracking with me so far?

Okay, good.

But there’s a problem. And that is that a lot of you hate everything I just said, because it requires confrontation.

And if that’s you, then listen very carefully: Every good thing you want for your life is on the other side of a god, healthy, wise, gentle, compassionate confrontation.

Do not be a shrinking violet. Do not be a doormat. Do not just continue silently suffering.

Call the toxic person in your life to repentance.

Not just for your sake, but for their sake.

Because just because a person is toxic today does not mean they’ll be toxic forever.

Some of you were toxic at a previous point in your life, but the Lord opened your eyes and opened your heart and brought you to repentance and turned your life right side up again—and now you are a loving partner. You are a good parent, you are a faithful friend, and no one would ever have been able to guess that you would be that way 10 years ago or 20 years ago or 30 years ago.

That’s the power of repentance.

Before you cut off a relationship with someone, you should call them to repentance.

You should seek repentance and reconciliation.

I love Matthew 5:23–24. Jesus says:

“If therefore you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

—Matthew 5:23–24, WEB

God is glorified when we forgive someone who has wronged us. God is glorified when we reconcile a relationship that is broken. God is glorified when people who have wronged each other repent and come back together and heal their relationship by His grace in the power of the Spirit—but that is only possible when there is repentance.

That’s what Jesus is talking about in Matthew 18. He says:

“If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother. But if he doesn’t listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.”

—Matthew 18:15–17, WEB

If there is a toxic person in your life, you should call them to repentance, because by calling them to repentance that might be the beginning of their journey out of toxicity and into a life that is so much greater than they could possibly have imagined through Jesus Christ.

And if they repent, then your relationship is healed.

3. Pray for Wisdom and Clarity

But if not, then you move on to number three.

And number three is pray.

Ask the Lord, is it time to walk away from this relationship?

Do I need to cut this person out of my life?

James 1:5 says:

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

—James 1:5, WEB

Ask the Lord what you should do, and he will tell you what to do. He will give you the clarity that you need you. He will show you the path you need to take.

4. Seek Counsel from Wise People

And at exactly the same time, number four:

Seek counsel from wise people.

Ask the people in your life that you trust what they think about your situation.

Now, right now, you’re thinking “Oh, no, I don’t want to share my business with anybody.”

Okay.

Well.

Let me point something out: Being quiet about this toxic relationship you have is how you ended up 15 years deep in a toxic relationship to begin with—so maybe not sharing any of your business with anybody hasn’t worked out so well for you.

I want you to take a second and think about that.

The fact that you are in the position you are in is a testament to the fact that staying quiet about your business has actually harmed you instead of helped you.

As modern Americans, we want to do everything alone. We want to do everything on our own. We want to white knuckle our way through every problem and every challenge and every difficulty, but God’s word tells us that’s setting ourselves up to fail.

Proverbs 24:6:

“For by wise guidance you wage your war, and victory is in many advisors.”

—Proverbs 24:6, WEB

Proverbs 11:14:

“Where there is no wise guidance, the nation falls, but in the multitude of counselors there is victory.”

—Proverbs 11:14, WEB

It says you need wise guidance, and that means that you need to populate your life with wise people who have good judgment that you respect and you trust—and you need to go to them when you are in need, when you are confused, when you are lost.

Go to the wise people in your life, and tell them everything, and say, “What do you think I should do?” and then listen to the wisdom they pour out for you.

The Four Steps

That’s how you decide when to cut someone out of your life.

One: You consider the effect that they’re having on you, and if you realize that they’re corrupting your character, or they are actively harming you, then

Two: You call them to repentance, and if they refuse repentance, then

Three: You pray and ask God for clarity, and there is a very good chance that God is going to nudge you to separate yourself from them, and then

Four: You look to the wise people in your life for guidance, and there is a strong likelihood that they are going to confirm God’s calling to remove them from your life.

You Do Not Have to Walk Through It Alone

And I know that is a profoundly difficult decision to make.

I know that that is one of the hardest things you can ever do.

I know that removing someone from your life can feel like pulling stitches out of your wounds.

It can feel like having your guts ripped out of your body.

I know that it can feel like losing a part of yourself.

It can feel like a kind of death.

But if that is a decision that you know the Lord is calling you to make this morning, then we want to help you.

We want to stand by you and walk with you as the people of God and help you make that profoundly difficult decision.

We want to help you to examine the effect that they are having on your life, and call them to repentance, and then think through your next steps carefully and wisely and and bravely.

And so, if there is a difficult decision the Lord is moving you to make this morning, what we want you to do is reach out here at this number up on the screen.

Or come find me after church is over.

Or reach out to me this week.

And we will walk with you through all of this.